Sunday, March 8, 2015

Learning God's Love with a Breaking Heart

Hmmm....maybe I should change that post title.  I think people are going to think it's about something different than what I am actually writing about.  But it's truly what this post is about.

I hate sickness.  I hate disease.  I hate genetic kidney disease that is and has been slowly killing my father.  I JUST HATE IT!!!

Sorry, had to start out with some capital letters. 

I know that I have written about my dad and his illness and I'm pretty sure one of the last times I blogged was after I'd visited him in the hospital. 

Well, it's worse this time and my heart is breaking.  He's in the ICU now and I'm scared.  His body is so full of infection that it has affected his organ systems.  He is so weak that he's not allowed to eat by mouth because he doesn't have the muscle strength to swallow it down.  His heart is so weak that he needs to be on IV medications just to keep his blood pressure stable even though what is stable for him currently is still lower than what it should be.  The cause of his infection has been identified and requires a "high risk" surgery to be removed.  He sounds so weak when I talk to him on the phone I can't help but cry. 

In the midst of this darkness, God is showing me what a selfless and true love looks like through two specific people: my dad and Little S. 

Even in this time of trial, my dad's main concern is his family.  Instead of complaining about how he can't eat, he asks us what we have for meals because he wants to make sure that we are eating.  Instead of lamenting about how he can't enjoy the nice day, he encourages us to go outside to get some fresh air.  He makes my mom and brother leave earlier and earlier everyday so that they can rest, though I know he would like visitors late into the evening.  Even though he falls asleep as soon as we leave his room, he gets upset if we don't call him to let him know that we are home safe and sound.  Even when he was coming out of sedation from a procedure, he kept looking at my mom and telling her how pretty she is and how much he loves her (of course this is in addition to the funny stuff that's the subject of many YouTube videos, but still).  He still tries to take care of us even when he has no strength to care for himself.  What an amazing example of love. 

I know that I may be reaching when I say that a three year old is modeling God's perfect love to me, but I truly believe he is, even though I don't know how he is so wise for being so little.  This little boy sees me crying and immediately drops everything to come over and give me kisses.  He asks me why I'm crying and why I'm sad, keeping perfect eye contact the whole time.  He doesn't stop looking at me and kissing my cheeks until he sees a smile from me.  This is the little boy who is usually so focused on what he's doing that he doesn't notice the world around him. 

Tonight, Little S asked me to sing Amazing Grace to him before bedtime.   I could barely start the song.  As he was kissing my cheeks and watching me, my sweet little boy started crying.  When I asked him why, he told me, "Because you are sad and crying," which only made me cry more.  I told him that,  "I'm crying because I'm sad that Pops is sick."  After crying together for a second, Little S said, "Please don't go away, but when you go to the hospital, I will go with you so you won't be sad." WOW.  But wait, there's more.  After I told him to pray that Pops gets better he asked, "But what if he hurts?" He's 3, people! My response, "Well, let's pray that he doesn't hurt."  I don't know where this kid came from.  His questions are amazing to me.  I pray that he doesn't lose that sweet and caring soul.

I ask that you pray for my dad as he battles.  I ask for comfort and peace as we walk through this with him.  I ask for prayers for wisdom for his doctors and compassion for his nurses. 

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