Hmmm....maybe I should change that post title. I think people are going to think it's about something different than what I am actually writing about. But it's truly what this post is about.
I hate sickness. I hate disease. I hate genetic kidney disease that is and has been slowly killing my father. I JUST HATE IT!!!
Sorry, had to start out with some capital letters.
I know that I have written about my dad and his illness and I'm pretty sure one of the last times I blogged was after I'd visited him in the hospital.
Well, it's worse this time and my heart is breaking. He's in the ICU now and I'm scared. His body is so full of infection that it has affected his organ systems. He is so weak that he's not allowed to eat by mouth because he doesn't have the muscle strength to swallow it down. His heart is so weak that he needs to be on IV medications just to keep his blood pressure stable even though what is stable for him currently is still lower than what it should be. The cause of his infection has been identified and requires a "high risk" surgery to be removed. He sounds so weak when I talk to him on the phone I can't help but cry.
In the midst of this darkness, God is showing me what a selfless and true love looks like through two specific people: my dad and Little S.
Even in this time of trial, my dad's main concern is his family. Instead of complaining about how he can't eat, he asks us what we have for meals because he wants to make sure that we are eating. Instead of lamenting about how he can't enjoy the nice day, he encourages us to go outside to get some fresh air. He makes my mom and brother leave earlier and earlier everyday so that they can rest, though I know he would like visitors late into the evening. Even though he falls asleep as soon as we leave his room, he gets upset if we don't call him to let him know that we are home safe and sound. Even when he was coming out of sedation from a procedure, he kept looking at my mom and telling her how pretty she is and how much he loves her (of course this is in addition to the funny stuff that's the subject of many YouTube videos, but still). He still tries to take care of us even when he has no strength to care for himself. What an amazing example of love.
I know that I may be reaching when I say that a three year old is modeling God's perfect love to me, but I truly believe he is, even though I don't know how he is so wise for being so little. This little boy sees me crying and immediately drops everything to come over and give me kisses. He asks me why I'm crying and why I'm sad, keeping perfect eye contact the whole time. He doesn't stop looking at me and kissing my cheeks until he sees a smile from me. This is the little boy who is usually so focused on what he's doing that he doesn't notice the world around him.
Tonight, Little S asked me to sing Amazing Grace to him before bedtime. I could barely start the song. As he was kissing my cheeks and watching me, my sweet little boy started crying. When I asked him why, he told me, "Because you are sad and crying," which only made me cry more. I told him that, "I'm crying because I'm sad that Pops is sick." After crying together for a second, Little S said, "Please don't go away, but when you go to the hospital, I will go with you so you won't be sad." WOW. But wait, there's more. After I told him to pray that Pops gets better he asked, "But what if he hurts?" He's 3, people! My response, "Well, let's pray that he doesn't hurt." I don't know where this kid came from. His questions are amazing to me. I pray that he doesn't lose that sweet and caring soul.
I ask that you pray for my dad as he battles. I ask for comfort and peace as we walk through this with him. I ask for prayers for wisdom for his doctors and compassion for his nurses.
Sunday, March 8, 2015
Sunday, February 22, 2015
Thoughts on Lent 2015...so far
A few days late as Lent started on Wednesday but oh well:
Oh yes, it's that time of year to think about sacrifices and what Christ did for us on the cross. It's also the time of the year that many people dread as they decide what they want to "give up" for the 40 days.
As expected (because he does this every Lenten season), last Sunday, my pastor encouraged us to not think of what we can "give up" but what we can do to lead us into a deeper spiritual journey during this Lenten season. It's not a time for us to change a habit, lose weight, or anything like that. It's a time for us to reflect and grow spiritually as we prepare for (in my opinion) the most important moments of the Christian faith.
Honestly, I'd already decided that I'm not giving anything up anyway because of baby #2. I can't eat raw sushi, drink my Angry Orchard, or even get an easy Jimmy Johns sandwich while at work. I was pretty much being a whiny brat about it.
After really thinking and praying about it, I still don't know what I am doing for the Lenten season. I have started reading through a devotional book with Little S every morning when we wake up to start our day out with a little encouragement from God.
And to be honest again, ever since we started this, parenting has been kind of sucky. Ugh!!! I know, it's small moments that are making me say this and for the most part, we have a fine time, but it hasn't been easy to be a mommy for the past 5 days.
In a way, I wonder if this is my Lenten "fast." My pastor encouraged us to seek out something that really challenges us to get out of our base comfort zone and to truly rely on him as we battle what we fear. For me, as I am often in my head, I tend to battle anxiety over the future and desire security and comfort. From Little S running out into the grocery store parking lot and then headbutting my nose while I was trying to talk to him to being peed on by the stubborn little boy; from cleaning spilled coffee off my couch and chair cushions to vacuuming up rice and glass from a glass jar broken on our fireplace; and now to a sick little kid that's causing me to miss church and community with my church family, I feel like my desire for control of situations and preparing for the future are being tested. I am relying on God as I pray for patience and love in all situations. I want my boy to know how much he is loved, even when I am frustrated, tired, and short tempered.
I know it's not necessarily a daily practice, but it sure seems like right now. Oh well. I know that God is good and loves and hears me. I know that parenting is an adventure that never ends. I pray that during this Lenten season and for always, I will remember who provides for me and that I will continue to rely on Him more and more instead of relying on my plans for the future (because we all know my plans are never the right course in my life, especially when I say, "I will never..." i.e. William Jewell College, nursing, marrying a youth pastor, etc).
Oh yes, it's that time of year to think about sacrifices and what Christ did for us on the cross. It's also the time of the year that many people dread as they decide what they want to "give up" for the 40 days.
As expected (because he does this every Lenten season), last Sunday, my pastor encouraged us to not think of what we can "give up" but what we can do to lead us into a deeper spiritual journey during this Lenten season. It's not a time for us to change a habit, lose weight, or anything like that. It's a time for us to reflect and grow spiritually as we prepare for (in my opinion) the most important moments of the Christian faith.
Honestly, I'd already decided that I'm not giving anything up anyway because of baby #2. I can't eat raw sushi, drink my Angry Orchard, or even get an easy Jimmy Johns sandwich while at work. I was pretty much being a whiny brat about it.
After really thinking and praying about it, I still don't know what I am doing for the Lenten season. I have started reading through a devotional book with Little S every morning when we wake up to start our day out with a little encouragement from God.
And to be honest again, ever since we started this, parenting has been kind of sucky. Ugh!!! I know, it's small moments that are making me say this and for the most part, we have a fine time, but it hasn't been easy to be a mommy for the past 5 days.
In a way, I wonder if this is my Lenten "fast." My pastor encouraged us to seek out something that really challenges us to get out of our base comfort zone and to truly rely on him as we battle what we fear. For me, as I am often in my head, I tend to battle anxiety over the future and desire security and comfort. From Little S running out into the grocery store parking lot and then headbutting my nose while I was trying to talk to him to being peed on by the stubborn little boy; from cleaning spilled coffee off my couch and chair cushions to vacuuming up rice and glass from a glass jar broken on our fireplace; and now to a sick little kid that's causing me to miss church and community with my church family, I feel like my desire for control of situations and preparing for the future are being tested. I am relying on God as I pray for patience and love in all situations. I want my boy to know how much he is loved, even when I am frustrated, tired, and short tempered.
I know it's not necessarily a daily practice, but it sure seems like right now. Oh well. I know that God is good and loves and hears me. I know that parenting is an adventure that never ends. I pray that during this Lenten season and for always, I will remember who provides for me and that I will continue to rely on Him more and more instead of relying on my plans for the future (because we all know my plans are never the right course in my life, especially when I say, "I will never..." i.e. William Jewell College, nursing, marrying a youth pastor, etc).
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